Rape, murder, lies, sex, war, carnage, leakage- the past 12 months have had all of this and more in common with, well, every other year in this, the 2010th year in the Gregorian Calendar. But because list are comforting and things must be compartmentalized, quantified, ruminated on, and debated- and because Time magazine FUCKS this shit up every year, I offer you the 2010 No Cure For That Person of the year award.

But first, some dishonorable mentions:

Tony Hayward for being the arrogant face and voice of a willfully negligent environmental terrorist of a corporation who presided over the largest environmental disaster in US history and one of the largest PR disasters in world history. You are free to enjoy your dishonorable mention now that you have your life back.

Pat Robertson for, in addition to just being a windbag-o-douche- stating that the Haiti earthquake was the result of Haiti making a deal with the devil.

Pope Benedict, for your continued efforts at shielding priests from criminal prosecution and allowing them to wear the cloth after you knew they raped and molested children, here is wishing I am wrong in my opinion about the non-existence of an afterlife and that hell does in fact exist with Beelzebub saving an eternal seat for at table with Jeffrey Dahmer and John Wayne Gacey.
It is hard to give your heroes a dishonorable mention, but Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart, for throwing a massive rally against rallies and protest against protest a Slactivist festival that hold high the Kid Rock Ethos of “the world is really awful but there is nothing we can do about it” I declare that the 2 kings of Comedy Central go directly to jail and do not pass go.

There are more, easy targets for dishonorable mention of course; Sarah Palin, Lebron James and the father of that Indonesian 2 year old baby who was smoking a pack a day come quickly to mind, but let us now shine a light on some of the most positive movers and shakers of 2010:

Honorable mention must go to Julian Assange, the founder of WikiLeaks. Laying bare the lies governments tell us that lead us to and keep us in a state of perpetual war makes you a hero on this list even as the likes of Sarah Palin calling for you to be hunted down like Osama bin Laden. WikiLeaks is said to be taking precautions in the light of such threats, but if we were going to hunt him down like Osama, it would appear that his life is not in that much danger after all. And while I think he could do away with his Ray Ban sponsorship deal he still earns a place high on this year’s Person of the Year honorable mention.

Lady Gaga also deserves honorable mention, not only for achieving fame while artistically de-constructing the fame monster culture we live in, but for using her celebrity status to advocate for gay rights and the abolishment of DADT. Even if her motivation is to overtake Madonna and Barbara Streisand on the iPod playlists of gay men all over the world, the ends (methinks) justify the means.

Allison Kilkenny and Jamie Kilstein, the married couple DIY independent media power couple get high praise for their work this year. She a journalist and he a comedian and together the hosts of the only podcast I actually listen to – you should all run right now to to subscribe to their show to find out why G Gordon Liddy once told Allison why her writing wants to make him vomit and why Jeneane Garafolo described Jamie comedy as a cross between George Carlin and Bill Hicks. Pull yourself away from corporate media mouthpieces and listen to what true independence sounds like. You will not be disappointed, I promise.

This person of the year however, goes to Bradley Manning.

Displaying the courage, hearts and brains to pull back the curtain and show us much more than the menacing Wizard of OZ, Private First Class Bradley Manning allegedly (so this award must come with an asterisk, until his suspected involvement is confirmed) is the reason why Secretary of State Clinton, among other high-ranking officials, are scrambling to mend fences.  But exposing the machinations behind the hegemonic homicidal foreign policy of the United States goes well beyond any dream like dorethean allegory. Because, while it is true that we are no longer in Kansas, to stretch the boundaries of the Wizard of Oz metaphor, life in the post nuclear era is never so simple as clicking our heels together and awaking from a dream.

Private First Class Bradley Manning is now in jail, charged with illegally copying classified documents.

Manning said he hoped the release of the videos and documents would lead to “worldwide discussion, debates, and reforms”.

In fact, the ongoing discussion that will not die down anytime soon as a result of Manning’s actions are challenging Americans to face is a deeper meaning behind the phrase “there’s no place like home.”

The Top 10 News Stories Of 2010

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-Dennis Trainor, Jr  (facebooktwitter)
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Because it is that time of year when we have to endure lists, and because all of the other lists are going to be some version of a Barbara Walters soft white light view of the world, I give you some holiday party talking points for what should be the top 10 news stories of 2010.

#10. Obama’s Health Care Reform

Depending on your point of view, Obama either accomplished something that many presidents have failed to do or he created what amounts to a huge gift to anyone with health insurance stock in their portfolios.

Either way, most of the meaningful provisions of this historic legislation don’t even go into effect until 2014 and in the intervening time the Democrats will be so busy trying to prevent Sarah Palin from becoming our next President that the they will acquiesce to amendments and compromises to the bill that will strip away all of the good and make even the cost of Advil out of reach for most Americans.

Isn’t that always the way with Democrats though, one baby step forward, 10 Andre-the Giant steps back?

#9 World Cup in South Africa

Most Americans would rather watch badminton, curling, or avant-garde French cinema than what the rest of the world calls football and we belligerently refer to as soccer.


Because football is for men and steeped in war metaphor with bombs and blitzes and aerial attacks. Football is American. Soccer, the ultimate team game, is for commies. If soccer were to catch on in the USA, what would be next, National Health Care? That is why the success of the World Cup offers a glimmer of hope to Godless commies marooned here in the USA.

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Palin Chides Obama Over Gulf Oil Spill: ‘Give Me A Call’

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by Davis Fleetwood

The former Miss Wassilla 1984 wants Barack Obama to pick up the phone and call her so that she can leverage her extensive executive experience and help the President navigate the increasingly murky waters of the BP OIL disaster.

I kid you not. I’ve got another idea; Obama should be calling in the Gambino family to deal with this mess.

Palin wrote that Obama’s comments amount to “further proof that it bodes well to have some sort of executive experience before occupying the Oval Office,” and added that the president should call experts who lived through the 1989 Exxon-Valdez oil spill in Alaska – including herself.

“Based on my experience working with oil execs as an oil regulator and then as a Governor, you must verify what the oil companies claim – because their perception of circumstances and situations dealing with public resources and public trust is not necessarily shared by those who own America’s public resources and trust.”

Okay, I will not waste time absolving Obama here. Despite his recent claims that he is going to whoop some ass, delivered in the same polite tone one might use to deliver an elementary school commencement speech- the white house is to intertwined with wall street and big business to do anything meaningful on the ass kicking front.

However, if Palin is going to suggest that any involvement she- or any other executive in Alaska- had a relationship with Exxon that resulted in anything other than a rape – on so many levels- a casebook study in how corporations violate the citizens of this country while our elected officials stand impotently on the sidelines, then a quick review as some basic facts is required:
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