The 2010 FIFA WORLD CUP: a socialist plot to subvert capitalism and take over the world.

by Davis Fleetwood
Are you ready for some football???

“For the last six months all we’ve seen is U.S.-England,” said Landon Donovan Wednesday. “And so, if you were a casual sports fan at home, you might think that this was the World Cup final, U.S. vs. England.”

Actually Landon, the casual sport fan in the U.S., after they say, “Landon who?” Is more likely to be saying “Soccer, please God no. Give me badminton, give me curling, give me single A Baseball- gives me the Myrtle Beach Pelicans Vs. the Winston Salem Cancer Sticks. No, you know what, give me avant-garde French cinema. Give me Un Chien andalou and put that scene with the razor blades over they eyeball on repeat for the entire month give me anything but don’t give me soccer- and don’t you dare call it football. Football is for men and steeped in war metaphor with bombs and blitzes and aerial attacks. Football is American. Soccer is for commies!!!

But I am not like most Americans Landon. I have not been so excited for a sporting event since my 9-year-old football travel team, the Sachem Redskins, played for the Suffolk County Championship. Our coaches whipped us into a frenzy by having us sing this song on the bus to the game- imagine a group full of 9 year boys frothing at the mouth and singing:

Blood on the saddle
Blood on the ground
Great big puddles of blood all around
Pity on Wyandanch, isn’t it sad?
Great big Sachem stomped on their heads!
U! U! U! U! U!
UPSIDE THEIR HEADS!
U! U! U! U! U!
UPSIDE THEIR HEADS!

Yeah. American youth football culture is all kinds of fucked up.

Why is the America the lone holdout in the entire world to hold real football in disdain? Cuz we are Cowboys. We are Hypercapitalist war mongering Cowboys.

Listen: It is not only a side effect but also an object of American Football to hurt your players. Embedded in both our pop and youth culture, it prepares us for war. In Soccer- or real football – they trade jerseys after the game.

World Cup Preview: England World Cup Coach Implementing SEX Surveillance

by Davis Fleetwood

For many athletes, the opportunity to play in the world cup will only come along once in a lifetime. While cunning linguists may have picked up on the pun in that previous sentence, the coach for England World Cup team has banned his team from that activity. Sex, that is, not punning. It would take a stroke of genius to punning from the English dictionary. But the English players will not be subjected to strokes of any kind, as their has installed video cameras in their hotel rooms in an Orwellian maneuver that is sure to result in England playing with blue balls. Perhaps this is why striker Carlton Cole was cut from the team: he is now squeezing the former triple xxx Tiger Woods mistress Joslyn James.

Not to miss a beat, members of the 1994 Brazilian team are telling reporters that sex was a big part of their World Cup Championship run. Branco, a fullback for the championship team said that his son was conceived during the tournament.

The Argentinean team doctor sees no point in is players going off half cocked, and has given the go ahead for his players and their partners to lick themselves into shape and engage in flagrante delicto. Within limits.

“The players can have sex with their wives and girlfriends during the World Cup” Dr. Donato Vallani said, “Players are not Martians.”

“But,” he added, “It should not be at 2 a.m. with champagne and Havana cigars.”

What would he say to1AM snorting Bolivian coke out of the anal cavity of any one of the Russian sex worker?