The Top 10 News Stories Of 2010

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Because it is that time of year when we have to endure lists, and because all of the other lists are going to be some version of a Barbara Walters soft white light view of the world, I give you some holiday party talking points for what should be the top 10 news stories of 2010.

#10. Obama’s Health Care Reform

Depending on your point of view, Obama either accomplished something that many presidents have failed to do or he created what amounts to a huge gift to anyone with health insurance stock in their portfolios.

Either way, most of the meaningful provisions of this historic legislation don’t even go into effect until 2014 and in the intervening time the Democrats will be so busy trying to prevent Sarah Palin from becoming our next President that the they will acquiesce to amendments and compromises to the bill that will strip away all of the good and make even the cost of Advil out of reach for most Americans.

Isn’t that always the way with Democrats though, one baby step forward, 10 Andre-the Giant steps back?

#9 World Cup in South Africa

Most Americans would rather watch badminton, curling, or avant-garde French cinema than what the rest of the world calls football and we belligerently refer to as soccer.

Why?

Because football is for men and steeped in war metaphor with bombs and blitzes and aerial attacks. Football is American. Soccer, the ultimate team game, is for commies. If soccer were to catch on in the USA, what would be next, National Health Care? That is why the success of the World Cup offers a glimmer of hope to Godless commies marooned here in the USA.

The 2010 FIFA WORLD CUP: a socialist plot to subvert capitalism and take over the world.

by Davis Fleetwood
Are you ready for some football???

“For the last six months all we’ve seen is U.S.-England,” said Landon Donovan Wednesday. “And so, if you were a casual sports fan at home, you might think that this was the World Cup final, U.S. vs. England.”

Actually Landon, the casual sport fan in the U.S., after they say, “Landon who?” Is more likely to be saying “Soccer, please God no. Give me badminton, give me curling, give me single A Baseball- gives me the Myrtle Beach Pelicans Vs. the Winston Salem Cancer Sticks. No, you know what, give me avant-garde French cinema. Give me Un Chien andalou and put that scene with the razor blades over they eyeball on repeat for the entire month give me anything but don’t give me soccer- and don’t you dare call it football. Football is for men and steeped in war metaphor with bombs and blitzes and aerial attacks. Football is American. Soccer is for commies!!!

But I am not like most Americans Landon. I have not been so excited for a sporting event since my 9-year-old football travel team, the Sachem Redskins, played for the Suffolk County Championship. Our coaches whipped us into a frenzy by having us sing this song on the bus to the game- imagine a group full of 9 year boys frothing at the mouth and singing:

Blood on the saddle
Blood on the ground
Great big puddles of blood all around
Pity on Wyandanch, isn’t it sad?
Great big Sachem stomped on their heads!
U! U! U! U! U!
UPSIDE THEIR HEADS!
U! U! U! U! U!
UPSIDE THEIR HEADS!

Yeah. American youth football culture is all kinds of fucked up.

Why is the America the lone holdout in the entire world to hold real football in disdain? Cuz we are Cowboys. We are Hypercapitalist war mongering Cowboys.

Listen: It is not only a side effect but also an object of American Football to hurt your players. Embedded in both our pop and youth culture, it prepares us for war. In Soccer- or real football – they trade jerseys after the game.