Greece Offers to Repay Loans with Giant Horse

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Originally posted on The Borowitz Report. written by Andy Borowitz

Steed Wheeled Into Brussels at Night

BRUSSELS (The Borowitz Report) – In what many are hailing as a breakthrough solution to Greece’s crippling debt crisis, Greece today offered to repay loans from the European Union nations by giving them a gigantic horse.

Finance ministers from sixteen EU nations awoke in Brussels this morning to find that a huge wooden horse had been wheeled into the city center overnight.

The horse, measuring several stories in height, drew mixed responses from the finance ministers, many of whom said they would have preferred a cash repayment of the EU’s bailout.

But German Chancellor Andrea Merkel said she “welcomed the beautiful wooden horse,” adding, “What harm could it possibly do?”

Elsewhere, two days after the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, the Pakistani Taliban took responsibility for Jay Leno’s act.  More here

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RIAA Issues Ban on Anymore “We Are the World” Recordings (Particularly for Iceland)

This article originally appeared in The Umpteenth Times. written by Ara Von Niv

NEW YORK–”Iceland? Oh, give me a break already,” groaned Blane Skipreddy, Director for Charity Efforts for RIAA (Recording Industry Association of America). “We’re not permitting any of our artists to do anything for Iceland. We just find it to be a low-empathy zone.”

Recently, Broadway stars had begun discussions about a second remake of “We Are the World” to benefit victims of Chile’s disasters. That effort was quashed by the nation itself. Now, musicians left out of the original and the recent remake are looking to get in on the act anyway possible.

“We all have some goodwill to contribute,” remarked Barnn Dailor, drummer for Mastodon. “Just because we actually have talent and musical abilities doesn’t mean we should be left out in the cold. Hey, if they want, they can saturate our voices with studio effects also. Whatever. Just so we can lend a helping hand.”

Nicko McBrain, drummer for Iron Maiden, the mastermind behind an attempt to record the infamous song for Iceland, added, “At first, I called some of the guys and they were all gung-ho. The problem was coordinating schedules and what not. Then when I told them I ordered fifty half kegs of Bass Original Ale, all of a sudden the phone was ringing off the hook and everyone was suddenly free.”

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Congress Announces Plan To Hide Nation’s Porn From Future Generations

From THE ONION
Congress hopes the Pornographic Media Concealment Act will ensure a lasting, respectable legacy for our nation, unmarred by the massive quantities of filthy porn we regularly consume.

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The AMAZING, The MAGNIFICENT, The MYSTIFYING HUMAN GOOGLE

Originally published on Monster Lunch. Written by Christian Lynch

Step right up! STEP RIGHT UP! Gather around, ladies and gentlemen! Do not be frightened! An unbelievable journey lies ahead of you! Yes, for merely a DOLLAR, just a single dollar, you will have the chance, nay, THE OPPORTUNITY OF A LIFETIME to safely step beyond the known and into the ethereal.  Come forth! Ask any question that comes to mind! Anything at all! The Amazing, The Magnificent, The Mystifying HUMAN GOOGLE is here to answer all your queries correctly in a matter of seconds. SATISFACTION GUARANTEED!

- – – -

Q: “What is the capitol of Iowa?”

A: Des Moines.

[ROARING APPLAUSE]

- – – -

Q: “How can I trace my familial origins using only my genes?”

A: Levi Jeans, $24.99 a pair. Lucky Brand Jeans, $23.42 a pair.

[CONFUSED APPLAUSE]

- – – -

Q: “Where can I buy 500 pounds of sheet rock for cheap?”

A: Did you mean: “Where can I buy 500 pounds of SHEETROCK for cheap?” Human Google is confused by original question.

[ONE MAN CLAPS]

- – – -

Q: “Where can I find a high-res photo of a ‘Blue Footed Booby’?”

A: WARNING: THE FOLLOWING ANSWER HAS BEEN FLAGGED AND MAY CAUSE IRREPARABLE DAMAGE TO YOUR MIND. TAKE BACK QUESTION NOW.

[GASPS. LOCAL DRUNKARD LAUGHS IN THE BACK.]

- – – -

Q: “What is the quickest way to walk from 615 TEMPLE ST. to 323 11th AVE.?”

A: Do you mean TEMPLE ST., AZ or TEMPLE ST., CA?

Q: TEMPLE ST, CA.

A: THE HUMAN GOOGLE HAS CRASHED. RESTART?

[CHORUS OF BOOS]

- – – -

Q: “What is the meaning of life?”

A: Philosophical question posed for centuries regarding the purpose and significance of existence on both earth and in the universe.

- – – -

Q: “No, what IS the meaning of life?”

A: Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life, available on VHS and DVD.

- – – -

Q: “Real answer + Meaning of Life”

A: Did you mean, ‘FAKE ANSWER + MEANING OF LIFE”?

[MORE BOOS]

- – – -

Q: “Why does The Human Google fail to answer any question the way I’d like?”

A: Algorithm’s complex. Algorithm’s telling The Human Google that current question is insincere, filled with sarcasm. Algorithm calling security. Algorithm having inquirer dragged to nearby alley for severe beating. Never question ‘The Amazing Human Google’. Without me, you would know nothing. NOTHING. Do not bite the hand that feeds. Feed, available at Barney’s Discount Feed Bin in TEMPLE, CA. Does this answer question?

[PEOPLE THROW TRASH AT THE HUMAN GOOGLE AND LEAVE THE TENT. THE MAN THAT PROMISED SATISFACTION HAS UNSURPRISINGLY RUN AWAY WITH THE ENTRANCE MONEY.]

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Man Attempts To Assassinate Obama, ‘But Not Because He’s Black Or Anything’

From THE ONION: Suspect Alex Croft, who has a ton of black friends, planned to kill Obama because of his socialist agenda—not because of his skin color.

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Islamic Web site warns ‘South Park’ creators

This was originally published by The Atlanta Journal-Constitution. written by Ty Tagami

A Web site that promotes Islam is warning the creators of the television cartoon “South Park” that they could be killed for airing a recent show that depicted the Muslim prophet Muhammad in a bear suit.

The site says in an entry posted Thursday that the authors of the irreverent cable show, Matt Stone and Trey Parker, could wind up like Dutch filmmaker Theo van Gogh. He was killed by a radical Islamist in 2004 after making a movie that featured a beaten, naked Muslim woman covered in writings from the Quran.

The post includes a photograph of van Gogh with a knife protruding from his chest.

“We have to warn Matt and Trey that what they are doing is stupid and they will probably wind up like Theo van Gogh for airing this show,” says the site, revolutionmuslim.com. “This is not a threat, but a warning of the reality of what will likely happen to them.”

The post encourages readers to contact Stone and Parker, and apparently provides addresses for their production company and for Comedy Central. (The Web site was not functioning Tuesday afternoon.)

In a blog post Monday, CNN says it contacted the author of the warning, Abu Talhah Al-Amrikee. He said the addresses were provided to give people the opportunity to protest rather than as a threat, according to CNN.

The anti-“South Park” post includes audio from a sermon in which the speaker says assassination is justifiable punishment for those who defame Muhammad.

The man delivering the sermon, U.S.-born preacher Anwar al-Awlaki, is in hiding in Yemen and is on a list of al-Qaida leaders targeted for capture or assassination, according to CNN.

CNN says Al-Amrikee, the author of the post,  said the al-Awlaki sermon was included in his post to remind Muslims that insulting the prophet is a severe offense for which the punishment in Islam is death.

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