The AMAZING, The MAGNIFICENT, The MYSTIFYING HUMAN GOOGLE

Originally published on Monster Lunch. Written by Christian Lynch

Step right up! STEP RIGHT UP! Gather around, ladies and gentlemen! Do not be frightened! An unbelievable journey lies ahead of you! Yes, for merely a DOLLAR, just a single dollar, you will have the chance, nay, THE OPPORTUNITY OF A LIFETIME to safely step beyond the known and into the ethereal.  Come forth! Ask any question that comes to mind! Anything at all! The Amazing, The Magnificent, The Mystifying HUMAN GOOGLE is here to answer all your queries correctly in a matter of seconds. SATISFACTION GUARANTEED!

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Q: “What is the capitol of Iowa?”

A: Des Moines.

[ROARING APPLAUSE]

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Q: “How can I trace my familial origins using only my genes?”

A: Levi Jeans, $24.99 a pair. Lucky Brand Jeans, $23.42 a pair.

[CONFUSED APPLAUSE]

- – - -

Q: “Where can I buy 500 pounds of sheet rock for cheap?”

A: Did you mean: “Where can I buy 500 pounds of SHEETROCK for cheap?” Human Google is confused by original question.

[ONE MAN CLAPS]

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Q: “Where can I find a high-res photo of a ‘Blue Footed Booby’?”

A: WARNING: THE FOLLOWING ANSWER HAS BEEN FLAGGED AND MAY CAUSE IRREPARABLE DAMAGE TO YOUR MIND. TAKE BACK QUESTION NOW.

[GASPS. LOCAL DRUNKARD LAUGHS IN THE BACK.]

- – - -

Q: “What is the quickest way to walk from 615 TEMPLE ST. to 323 11th AVE.?”

A: Do you mean TEMPLE ST., AZ or TEMPLE ST., CA?

Q: TEMPLE ST, CA.

A: THE HUMAN GOOGLE HAS CRASHED. RESTART?

[CHORUS OF BOOS]

- – - -

Q: “What is the meaning of life?”

A: Philosophical question posed for centuries regarding the purpose and significance of existence on both earth and in the universe.

- – - -

Q: “No, what IS the meaning of life?”

A: Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life, available on VHS and DVD.

- – - -

Q: “Real answer + Meaning of Life”

A: Did you mean, ‘FAKE ANSWER + MEANING OF LIFE”?

[MORE BOOS]

- – - -

Q: “Why does The Human Google fail to answer any question the way I’d like?”

A: Algorithm’s complex. Algorithm’s telling The Human Google that current question is insincere, filled with sarcasm. Algorithm calling security. Algorithm having inquirer dragged to nearby alley for severe beating. Never question ‘The Amazing Human Google’. Without me, you would know nothing. NOTHING. Do not bite the hand that feeds. Feed, available at Barney’s Discount Feed Bin in TEMPLE, CA. Does this answer question?

[PEOPLE THROW TRASH AT THE HUMAN GOOGLE AND LEAVE THE TENT. THE MAN THAT PROMISED SATISFACTION HAS UNSURPRISINGLY RUN AWAY WITH THE ENTRANCE MONEY.]

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Man Attempts To Assassinate Obama, ‘But Not Because He’s Black Or Anything’

From THE ONION: Suspect Alex Croft, who has a ton of black friends, planned to kill Obama because of his socialist agenda—not because of his skin color.

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Islamic Web site warns ‘South Park’ creators

This was originally published by The Atlanta Journal-Constitution. written by Ty Tagami

A Web site that promotes Islam is warning the creators of the television cartoon “South Park” that they could be killed for airing a recent show that depicted the Muslim prophet Muhammad in a bear suit.

The site says in an entry posted Thursday that the authors of the irreverent cable show, Matt Stone and Trey Parker, could wind up like Dutch filmmaker Theo van Gogh. He was killed by a radical Islamist in 2004 after making a movie that featured a beaten, naked Muslim woman covered in writings from the Quran.

The post includes a photograph of van Gogh with a knife protruding from his chest.

“We have to warn Matt and Trey that what they are doing is stupid and they will probably wind up like Theo van Gogh for airing this show,” says the site, revolutionmuslim.com. “This is not a threat, but a warning of the reality of what will likely happen to them.”

The post encourages readers to contact Stone and Parker, and apparently provides addresses for their production company and for Comedy Central. (The Web site was not functioning Tuesday afternoon.)

In a blog post Monday, CNN says it contacted the author of the warning, Abu Talhah Al-Amrikee. He said the addresses were provided to give people the opportunity to protest rather than as a threat, according to CNN.

The anti-”South Park” post includes audio from a sermon in which the speaker says assassination is justifiable punishment for those who defame Muhammad.

The man delivering the sermon, U.S.-born preacher Anwar al-Awlaki, is in hiding in Yemen and is on a list of al-Qaida leaders targeted for capture or assassination, according to CNN.

CNN says Al-Amrikee, the author of the post,  said the al-Awlaki sermon was included in his post to remind Muslims that insulting the prophet is a severe offense for which the punishment in Islam is death.

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