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The family of the 2 year old Indonesian baby who become an overnight internet sensation after several international news organizations ran stories showing the boy reclining with a cigarette in his mouth are now laughing all the way to the bank. – DF
originally posted at THE UMPTEENTH TIMES
HOLLYWOOD—According to sources close to the show, actor and longtime game show guest, Jamie Farr, will be replacing Simon Cowell for the next season of American Idol.
“The producers don’t feel as if Ellen is pulling her weight as a comedian,” said an unidentified employee at Fox. “In fact, they think she stinks. Bringing in a great comic force like Jamie Farr will no doubt keep the show fresh, especially for its younger viewers.”
Recently, Cowell announced he will not be returning to American Idol, leaving a spot open for another devilish commentator to take his place.
“Originally, that was the plan. There was talk of Charles Manson, Osama Bin Laden or Dick Cheney, who all would’ve been great for the show. Ultimately, the producers figured that’d be too predictable. They feel Farr, being the big star that he is, will carry the show for at least another five years.”
Organizers say until there is absolute acceptance of breastfeeding, nursing moms must vigilantly expose their swollen, milk-sodden breasts everywhere from community cookouts to the local hardware store.
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Whuat? Ima hear tu amuze u? & song of the day
Originally published at The Umpteenth Times. written by Ara Von Niv
LONDON–Recently, Coldplay have taken a page out of their corporate masters’ book by pursuing the aggressive acquisition of indie rock band, The Arcade Fire. With the unprecedented maneuver, Coldplay sought to corner the market on earnest and expressive rock music that currently appeals to wide audiences. The attempted hostile takeover has left The Arcade Fire shaken.
BRUSSELS (The Borowitz Report) – In what many are hailing as a breakthrough solution to Greece’s crippling debt crisis, Greece today offered to repay loans from the European Union nations by giving them a gigantic horse.
Finance ministers from sixteen EU nations awoke in Brussels this morning to find that a huge wooden horse had been wheeled into the city center overnight.
The horse, measuring several stories in height, drew mixed responses from the finance ministers, many of whom said they would have preferred a cash repayment of the EU’s bailout.
But German Chancellor Andrea Merkel said she “welcomed the beautiful wooden horse,” adding, “What harm could it possibly do?”
Elsewhere, two days after the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, the Pakistani Taliban took responsibility for Jay Leno’s act. More here
This article originally appeared in The Umpteenth Times. written by Ara Von Niv
NEW YORK–”Iceland? Oh, give me a break already,” groaned Blane Skipreddy, Director for Charity Efforts for RIAA (Recording Industry Association of America). “We’re not permitting any of our artists to do anything for Iceland. We just find it to be a low-empathy zone.”
Recently, Broadway stars had begun discussions about a second remake of “We Are the World” to benefit victims of Chile’s disasters. That effort was quashed by the nation itself. Now, musicians left out of the original and the recent remake are looking to get in on the act anyway possible.
“We all have some goodwill to contribute,” remarked Barnn Dailor, drummer for Mastodon. “Just because we actually have talent and musical abilities doesn’t mean we should be left out in the cold. Hey, if they want, they can saturate our voices with studio effects also. Whatever. Just so we can lend a helping hand.”
Nicko McBrain, drummer for Iron Maiden, the mastermind behind an attempt to record the infamous song for Iceland, added, “At first, I called some of the guys and they were all gung-ho. The problem was coordinating schedules and what not. Then when I told them I ordered fifty half kegs of Bass Original Ale, all of a sudden the phone was ringing off the hook and everyone was suddenly free.”
From THE ONION
Congress hopes the Pornographic Media Concealment Act will ensure a lasting, respectable legacy for our nation, unmarred by the massive quantities of filthy porn we regularly consume.