The Top 10 News Stories Of 2010

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Because it is that time of year when we have to endure lists, and because all of the other lists are going to be some version of a Barbara Walters soft white light view of the world, I give you some holiday party talking points for what should be the top 10 news stories of 2010.

#10. Obama’s Health Care Reform

Depending on your point of view, Obama either accomplished something that many presidents have failed to do or he created what amounts to a huge gift to anyone with health insurance stock in their portfolios.

Either way, most of the meaningful provisions of this historic legislation don’t even go into effect until 2014 and in the intervening time the Democrats will be so busy trying to prevent Sarah Palin from becoming our next President that the they will acquiesce to amendments and compromises to the bill that will strip away all of the good and make even the cost of Advil out of reach for most Americans.

Isn’t that always the way with Democrats though, one baby step forward, 10 Andre-the Giant steps back?

#9 World Cup in South Africa

Most Americans would rather watch badminton, curling, or avant-garde French cinema than what the rest of the world calls football and we belligerently refer to as soccer.

Why?

Because football is for men and steeped in war metaphor with bombs and blitzes and aerial attacks. Football is American. Soccer, the ultimate team game, is for commies. If soccer were to catch on in the USA, what would be next, National Health Care? That is why the success of the World Cup offers a glimmer of hope to Godless commies marooned here in the USA.

#8 The 2010 Midterm Elections

It was David Swanson who pointed out that The Democrats ran in 2006 under the slogan “We’re not Cheney!” updated that in 2008 to “We’re not Bush!” and then updated that in 2010 “We’re not Teabaggers.” So, who says Democrats have made no progress?

So Surprise, surprise: the Democrats got their Asses handed to them in the mid term elections. Now people on the left can go back to the only position where we are truly comfortable: as underdogs.

Turns out is much easier to speak truth to power than to actually have power and speak the truth.

#7. Don’t Touch My Junk

Planning on flying this holiday season? Got kids? Then practice the following conversation:

CHILD: “Daddy, why is this $10 hr TSA employee touching my private parts.”

FATHER: “So that America can be safe. And we call your private parts  ‘junk’ now, my child. We have to let them touch our junk to keep America safe”

CHILD: “You don’t believe that Dad.”

FATHER: “No.”

CHILD: “So it is a lie that they have to touch my junk to keep me safe.”

FATHER: “Probably, son”

SON: “Don’t we fight wars to keep us safe?”

FATHER: “Well….”

SON: “ I thought we killed Osama Bin Laden”

FATHER: “No, that was Saddam Hussein”

SON: “Oh, I thought they were the same person”

FATHER: “Yeah, so does the guy touching your junk. Just smile, and this will all be over soon.”

#6: THE END OF THE IRAQ WAR.

Barack Obama proudly kept a campaign promise and pulled U.S. troops out of Iraq. I know what you are thinking: we no more pulled out of Iraq than the blue balled teenage narrator of that Meatloaf song Paradise by the dashboard light pulled out of his girlfriend. So now, the US is like Meatloaf. We blew our fucking load without a condom, knocked up Iraq, and we will be together forever. And what for? Our soldiers fought and died for our right to live free and drive gas guzzling SUV’s and park them in our 3 car McMansion garage and chill out in our newly furnished living rooms paid for on credit cards we can’t afford, where we kick back with our cold activated Coors Light and cheer on entitled millionaire rapists and sexual predators like Brett Favre an Ben Roethlisberger tossing about a ball our new 287 inch plasma TV screen.

Now that is not only a war worth fighting, it is a war worth winning, don’t you agree?

#5. Ground Zero Mosque

Even though it is not a mosque, and it is not at ground zero, that did not stop a nation of Joe the Plumbers from openly declaring war on Muslims.

A community center planned by an Imam who has been practicing and leading worship in the same Tribeca neighborhood for years – he was in the neighborhood before 9/11- singlehandedly boosted Fox News ratings for weeks while protesters, who find no offense with strip clubs, McDonalds, or Sarah Palin existing near ground zero took to the streets to voice their opposition to a plan that would turn a vacant building into a community center.

Now that is American pride right there!

#4. North Korea v. South Korea

File this under the early contender for top story of the year for 2011. Soon to be retired North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il’s son and heir Jong-un ordered their military to attack South Korea. The U.S. responded by holding joint war games preparations with the South, during which a mortar shell accidentally got launched to the north. Turns out the Korean War never officially ended. Who knew? Combine this with Russia and China jointing announcing their intention to phase out of the American dollar for usage in trading energy commodities and throw in a Democratic president on the ropes who will need to puff his chest out even further in foreign affairs to keep from being a one and done president and loosing to a candidate who does not even know the difference between North and South Korea, we could have the ingredients for the start of WW3. Hope you got a good seat!

#3: WikiLeaks Document Dumps

The whereabouts of Julian Assange, the leader of WikiLeaks, are unknown. Interpol has issued a worldwide arrest warrant on him. Sarah Palin wants him dead. The U.S. wants to try him under the Espionage act. All of this for laying bare the lies that lead us to and keep us in a state of perpetual war.

Ironically, this is just a year after Barack Obama, for doing not much more than taking the reigns of a homicidal hegemonic foreign policy won the Nobel peace prize. We have WikiLeaks to thank for showing for showing us, incontrovertibly, the one thing that all governments seem to share: the elevation of boldface lies beyond art form to simply a matter of unquestioned public policy.

#2 BP Oil Leak

What have we learned in the wake of the largest environmental disaster in U.S. history? Well, there were no government regulations in place that would force a corporation to have a plan in place to deal with the eventuality of such a disaster. And now, after the disaster, what new regulations are in place requiring BP and other oil companies to demonstrate that they can cap the next leak? You guessed it. There are none.

And what, you might ask, are the risks of wind farming? An Air Spill?

Or Solar Energy? Sure, at best, solar energy is only a temporary band-aid. Recent calculations indicate that the Sun Will Go Out in a Billion Years.

So, what have we learned in the wake of the BP disaster?  Not a fucking thing.

#1. Haiti earthquake

Nothing can bring together a bunch of musicians and celebrities like the opportunity to sing a song whose proceeds will go to help the survivors of natural disasters. Legendary “We Are The World” producer Quincy Jones said: “It’s the 25th anniversary (of the 1985 song) and its perfect timing. It’s not an accident, man. That’s God. It will be ‘We Are the World’ for Haiti.”

Come again? Is it God that created the tectonic plate shifts under the city of Port Au Prince? Or are you suggesting that there is a biblical significance to the number 25?

Now, I donated to Haiti relief efforts. But really, where the fuck was Quincy Jones and his craptastic anthems when we the United States went on a criminally negligent homicidal rampage that erroneously sent Iraq back to the stone ages? Where is the outpouring of aid and relief for Iraqi people? Just because tectonic plates brought the destruction — as opposed to Halliburton and our own tax dollars working through the extended arm of the United States military and with the blessing of our elected officials, doesn’t make it any less tragic.